Running In Place // (About A ‘Disclosure’)

I have never really been the one to learn the hard way, and it’s not because I refuse to take risks.

No.

This is not about being bold, it’s about sheer blindness.

I wrote this awhile back…

What if I tell you that I don’t have any plans; that I only intend to work hard?

 

Will I still make it then?

I wrote this under the complete notion that if I work hard enough I would be able to attain anything– glory and success. I thought that it didn’t matter what I did as long as I put my heart and soul into it. After all, it is contemporary belief that hard work is the main catalyst to every success story. I was led to believe that what counts the most is your work ethic.  And all of these are true.

But the answer is NO.

The lack of goal setting have only rendered me utterly depleted. It’s like running for miles on a treadmill- not going anywhere. All the time and effort I had invested were almost all for nothing. It seems as if the idea of indirection proved to be more fatal than the act of misdirection. And I have only myself to blame.

Make plans and determine your goals. It’s the only way to make hard work count.

SOTM: Bourgeois by Phoenix

Debts

Blessed.

I’m tremendously thankful for many things, from the simple to the finer means. Most of the time I find it wayward mental to think that I am where I stand. I don’t deserve anything.

And it’s not a matter exaggeration, it is an understatement.

Really, I do not work. My pleasures are funded by my parents; they put the food on the table, more than we can eat; they pay for my education so I would not worry about any future debt. On top of that, I have an uncle who spoils me like little kid. I don’t even have to ask, I just have to utter them. And I’m grateful beyond anything.

It’s hard to repay something that can’t be counted in currency.

Through it all, it’s about the clothes and the shoes they bought me. It’s not about where I had lunch or what movie I saw at the expense of their pockets. They don’t keep tabs of fiscal value. They expect no payment. Although acts of gratitude can be a start.

I’m afraid I’m not grateful enough. I lack the action to give back the charity I am given. But it is not to say, I am completely ungrateful. I appreciate my blessings like a child to its mum. It’s only because I stop to “thank you”, like these words are enough to show all gratitude. And I am wrong.

I owe these people a debt, I cannot begin to pay. But it never hurts to try.

And to the Man who bought me at the price of his own life, I owe a greater deal. Although I forget that your grace is costly, I will never forget that all has been paid. Blessings and struggles are from you, all the same. But I will be thankful and write about it

.

SOTM: Loud Noises by Yuna

Passion Fruit

This one is about passion.

What is your passion?

Because you can pretty much like anything, and you can do whatever it is that you like until you don’t like it anymore. But passion, that’s something that traverses over one’s superficial preference. It’s a calling.

Circumstances vary like the weather. It could be sunny and it could pour. But whatever the weather, passion remains the same. Passion doesn’t stop when the air is thin and the way up is foggy, it treads on. It’s a reason.

What you love the most could be what could hurt you the most, but it’s also what could love you the most. Passion is a cycle, one that feeds off of itself. It’s a source of worth. A life and death. It’s a purpose.

But passion doesn’t come looking for you. You have to look for it. And it can hide in so many places that you might not even guess. Passion is elusive. But then again no treasure were never buried.

Writing is my passion. And it scares me because it’s the only thing in the world I know that I want to do. No plan B. I can’t think of anything else I can do for a living that would give me the utmost satisfaction. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

It’s funny. I only know because I don’t know.

Maybe, passion is a paradox…

But for the sake of it

Let me write every word with passion.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Gracious

A Sunny Evaluation Pt. 2

Summer flew by quickly as if it were a bright yellow flash. Maybe it’s because of the constant glare of the sun. But it’s been alright I guess. After all, time doesn’t idly by. It wont wait for you to finish your coffee, more so give you time make conversations. So it’s all wise to make the moments count.

Recap, rundown, round up. Here goes..

• Money magic trick. This is a one of those acts that non-magicians can pull off with their own wallets. It’s not uncommon at all. See something nice, *POOF*. Money gone, pulls out item from a bag. Cue the tossing of loose change.. Please.

• New admission. I’ve started joining a legit Bible Study at this course of my stay. And I must say, these studies are quite intense. Intentional to the point that I feel like the Gospel singles me out. Nonetheless, it’s all heavenly vibes.

• X-Box Live. Serious gaming mode: Finally signed up for a Live account and got Battlefield 3. Been a daytime zombie ever since. Not to mention, a major anger management candidate.

• Losing streak. I’ve managed a mean tally of losses the past few ball games. Frustrating. But this is not an update about how I’m struggling at basketball. It’s just that I’m learning how to get out of some heavy funk. Slowly, steadily.

• “At the top”. Finally reach the pinnacle viewing spot of Burj Khalifa- The tallest tower on Earth! Definitely a noteworthy experience considering the fact that I’m a complete acrophobic. Well, ‘was’ an acrophobic. Win. Shout out to the Kuwaiti-bunch for sharing the experience!

• Death by drowning. Damn. I almost died swimming. Made me think about life and all the crap I’ve been doing. Thank you, God for saving me. But next time ward me of the deep end. Thanks.

• ‘The Friendzone Purgatory’. There should be a post dedicated to my friend who is not my friend right now but still is.

• Bum. I swear, I regret letting a whole set of days go by without any happenings. Total bummer.

• Drunk text. So I finally hang out with my ‘other’ friends. Those who choose not to go to church. And that night I sent an SMS to my dad’s old company number, my folks asked me if I got sloshed. Laughed so hard.

• Countdown. The day that looms ahead. Damn. I will have to count soon. But for now we bask under the sun.

As I’ve mentioned, the day of my departure is to come soon. But I don’t want to burden myself with anxiety for time will come for me anyway. So as long I have my feet on the sand I’ll keep my chin up. And march on wards.

I hope you, reader is having a pleasant summer!

A Sunny Evaluation Pt. 1

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Cry When You Get Older by Robyn

“Gracious, Not So Graceful Finish..”

Sometimes a weak finish  is better than not finishing at all. Of course it’s downright preferable to side with a strong finish rather than a sloppy one. But at times, you take what you’re given .

Sometimes it’s a gracious, not so graceful finish.

Today I got my results from the collegiate and university. And I have to say, after being pettily frustrated by my seemingly lacking efforts, I actually outdid myself. Although, I knew it could’ve gone through the roof, I’m satisfied that it’s up there somehow. It’s good enough. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m the least bit interested in settling for the average. After all, I’ve been on that ride for my whole life.

Just want to take this one as reminder to take it easy. Find calm in the sheer aggro of things. And look for the the will buried through all the doubts that I’ve piled onto myself. Pat me on the back and commend me for the work I’ve put it in. That whether success emanates or losing is the result, growth will follow.

Because I can do it. I’ve thought all about it throughout my young existence. But it’s time that I do action.

Potential is like a diamond in the rough, only like dirt when not polished.

But for now, congratulations. You did well. Damn, you did better than best. Your hard work paid off; sleepless nights with a battered mind was a sacrifice well worth it. Be proud. Bravo.

Now, repeat.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Inhale Deep by Macklemore

A Figurative Reality: Cellphone, Shoelaces And..

I wanted to lose my phone…

Because it’s an outdated BlackBerry Curve that is 3 seconds late in its every function; making it incredibly annoying to check messages and whatever facilities this wretched phone has to offer. Also, the battery has been worn out to the point that it acts like a fuel leakage, power draining faster than you can say “I just pulled it out from the charger, I even kept it in overnight. Goddam!” A deliberate desire to misplace my pathetic excuse for a cellular device in another reason to get myself a new one. Preferably, it’s much younger sister; sexy, sleek and sexy, the new BlackBerry Bold.

You know when they say. “if you want it bad enough, it will happen”? Well, it’s a cosmic anomaly that such statement may be true. I was out today buying people presents for when I get home and all when my phone shuts down. Right at the time when I needed it the most; taking pictures of store items sneakily, as if attempting to send images to a Chinese warehouse where new piracy is born; talking to folks and asking them what they want but instinctively thinking of just getting them a hometown hockey tee. After charging it for an entire 8 hours, it decides to go to sleep in less than hour’s usage. Screw this phone. I stood there wishing it got lost; playing with it as if to smash it on the floor. Goddam. I didn’t care if I had lost it.

But I really cared.

I finally lost the godforsaken thing. 😐

I didn’t want to lose my phone…

Because I would definitely get a glorious oral lambasting from my folks on how irresponsible and careless I am. Also, everything in that phone is 0.005% sentimental. But sentimental nonetheless. After all, I got all my fully clothed pictures in there. (Literally) That phone also stored confidential codes that could lead to identity theft and bankruptcy.

I remember how I wanted to lose it so bad. At the same time it feeling doubly worse. Sometime we don’t think. I usually don’t. Which sucks badly for me. Because I don’t care enough. And those are just material things, what if it was a live and beating heart?

Gasp.

But I found it. Just right now. Dead in the night; lounging in one of the shopping bags I carried all day. Guess my uncle was right, I’m a cat with nine lives with this phone. But not all things that are lost can ever be found again..

…

I stole. Yes, I am a sly thief with devilish courage to nab a pair of shoelaces. Daredevil, I am. For such account of thievery, I am to be considered a criminal. But don’t think I take this lightly because I don’t.

I remember when I first stole a piece of gum. It was packed in a can with a dozen of paper wrapped, fruit-flavored chewy goodness. I stared at it and imagined how it would tickle my taste buds. I craved for it. But I was broke. And when you’re 8 years old and unemployed, you get desperate. And desperation paves way for criminals. I stole the a singe piece of gum. And I spat it out the minute it came in between my teeth. Not that it was disgusting. But I was..

And here I am, stealing shoelaces. I know it’s a long shot for kleptomania but it doesn’t make it right. Because sometimes we like things only because we want them.

I’m disappointed with myself.

Very stupid. So naive.

Did I say I’m thinking about getting a girlfriend?

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Heartlines by Florence And The Machine

Loose “Change”

Whoever said shopping is therapeutic must be one hell of a loon.

You see, shopping is not simple as most people think. No. Since money is a problem, anything associated with currency is cursed with cutting consequences. And even when money isn’t the root of the issue, opportunity cost plays with you in a way that you could either lose hard or win hard.

Opportunity cost is a complex paradox.

I went shopping today with a budget of 200 bucks. That’s a lot of gravy to cover a whole new wardrobe. And that’s the goal. But no, indecisive, impulsive, impossible me had to baited into purchasing stuff I don’t currently require.FartML

You know what’s the most annoying thing about shopping? It’s when you sober up from your shopping-slosh upon getting home; you realize that the things you got are not the things you should’ve dumped in the basket. And there’s the part where you justify for yourself the reason why you bought it.

😐

…

Budgeting cold hard cash is downright difficult. Because money is power. So controlling such a force is a challenge. But we have to admit sometimes that the means to get things do not justify the reason for its acquiring. But it’s the balance of the needs and wants and time and situation that is the foundation of our choice.

And, I’m learning. Learning the hard way. But learning nonetheless.

Changing my lifestyle is a major work in progress. But skyscrapers don’t spring up from the ground. It’s a comprised of concrete layers of decisions. And until I get so close to the sky to make it rain, I’ll save the water when it pours.

🙂

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: The Stoop by Little Jackie

50 And Wise..?

If you’re in here right now, chances are, you come from the virtual space of Facebook and in someway, acquainted with yours truly. If not, then you are just some random cyber passerby who stumbled onto this humble blog of misinterpreted thoughts and stories. Either way, thank you.

🙂

This post marks my 50th blog entry. I’ve been a morbid blogger as of late with my previous blogs forming a sort of love-hate-relationship in terms of my commitment on keeping it alive with my words. So this 50th blog post is big for me. It shows that I’m still here.. Writing.

I’ve had two awful affairs in regards to blogging. And they were hard to overcome. You see, blogging like keeping a journal involves an investment of time, a fair share of inspiration and a certain degree of responsibility. And I’m not going to say I’ve come a long way because I haven’t. But I’ve managed to learn a thing or two.

• You write for yourself first, then the audience. I’m quite fascinated by this statement because it somehow justifies the realm of writing as one that is suited for the selfish. (Not that I am) Writing in thought of someone’s criticism is dead on stumbling block.
• Read other people’s blogs.I’ve always found reading other people’s musings very inspiring which leads me to wish that everyone could blog. What are we if not a web of interconnected individuals with similar unique experiences. People have a lot to say. But sometimes you’d rather read it than hear it.
• Be comfortable, get simple. The reason why my other blogs didn’t work out was because I abided by an intricate method in making entries. I made it difficult for myself to be spontaneous.
• There is no perfect writer. Self-explanatory. Do not be a perfectionist.
• Keep at it. There will be days when the pen you use runs out of inspiration and your head is filled with empty ideas. But that doesn’t conclude anything to a mere dot on the paper. Patience is key. And when the time is right the words will come out.

I am my own reader. And seeing myself write and cipher all 50 posts feels downright awesome. There’s an immense feel of confidence that brims out of this small and humble achievement. More than a single smiley can account for. This one is for that lettered insomniac so deprived of sleep but so full of words.

😀

Don’t ever sleep. You have a whole eternity left for that.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap

Victimized

Bloody hell.

One of my friend’s brother just got mugged. He got jumped by 5 unknown natives while he was on his way home from a tiring night class. The guy was circled by the lot, fortunately unarmed (?) , asking him to cough up whatever he has. He had a robust body structure that can brawl fairly enough in a tussle but when the numbers are against you, it’s wise to pick your fights sometimes. He tried to take control of the situation before tempers flared up. He proposed to give these scum delinquents 500 dollars.

They took the money and dab-smacked his face.

It was good call to lose 500 dollars than surrender a Mac book and a new Black Berry Bold. Thing is, they come from a well off family who earns money like they grow it at their backyard. I mean what normal person would walk around with that kind of weight in your pocket? That was dumb and fortunate at the same time.

The thing that kills me is this happened about 10 blocks from the university. And these unruly hooligans live nearby their place of residence. And the fact that they now know how loaded this guy is, best believe, this won’t be the first and last.

If I walked on the same street last night with what I had tonight. No doubt, I’d be wounded. Not to mention, dispatched. I have nothing on me but 10 bucks and a synthetic suspicious satchel that can be best mistaken for a laptop bag. Also it accentuates an appearance of one that is from uptown. I’d be jumped for sure.

It’s crazy how we know something can happen but for some reason we think it won’t happen to us.

Note to self: It can happen to anyone.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Truth by Chiddy Bang feat. Passion Pit

The ‘N’ Word

Kids say the darnest things..

It’s true though. Kids pick up things that we throw away unknowingly including filthy words that we spit out our mouths. It’s interesting how the level of receptiveness is at prime in the early stages and gradually deteriorates to rusty old machine.

Take for example the ‘N’ word. I have a bad habit of impersonating ghetto persona’s of thug-like black men for humorous purposes. don’t get me wrong I am particularly amiable with such likes of people. (Heck, I’m best friends with one) I just think it’s inappropriately funny to end my sentences with the ‘N’ word. No racial issues though.

My nephew is about a good age of 3 years old. He’s can be quite a talker. (Although he sounds gibberish with his words) So when I was playing with him I might have inadvertently used the ‘N’ word. Not knowing well enough, I shrugged it off thinking he’d never equip such word in his vocabulary. And I was never more wrong..

Nephew: Stop hitting me!

Playmate: *hits*

Nephew: I said knock it off!!

Playmate: Make me! *hits again*

Nephew: Cut it out, NEEEEEEEEEGGGAAAAAA! (with crisp intonation and prolonged pronunciation)

Jaw=dropped.

I didn’t get a major telling off from my aunt but I was put on the spot; downright embarrassed because he sounded like yours truly. And I didn’t know whether to flattered or appalled by such uncalled for reaction, really. It’s outright mental to contribute to a kid’s socialization process in such disrespectful manner. I’m ashamed.

It’s intriguing to see how quickly kids absorb the outward traits we portray in their presence. And also, how profound they use such knowledge early in their lives. So common moral of the story: don’t be thug-like, ever. Influence is a deadly thing, especially to tender earthlings who don’t know better.

:p

PS- I think the excessive reading of ‘The Catcher In The Rye’ has me going down with a slight Holden Caulfield Syndrome. I can already see hints of it. Lol.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Heartbeat by Nneka