For Family…

My family is here now.

From Dubai to Winnipeg.

For over a year and a half of living away from them, I have learned a lot of things about myself. I realized how it could get so tough without them being near. But now they’re here with me and I’m elated.

I know that we would have to start from the ground up again. And I know there will be times when we would miss Dubai. I know that there will be moments in which we would compare the life we used to live. The struggle is real, now that they are here. But as long as we’re together, I have faith that we will come through in this city.

And if there was ever a time, I felt a great degree of responsibility and challenge, It’s right now that they’re here. I am motivated to to work hard and pick up my own weight. I’m daring myself to learn how walk on my own two feet. Not because I want to show them that I can do my own thing, but because I want help ease the burden.

When they said it was on me to bring them back to the desert. I smiled. Because that became one ultimate goal.

And I’m going do just that. No matter what.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Hold On We’re Going Home by Drake

School Bag

I survived my first year of university. And that’s not too shabby at all.

It was hard. Like bricks and rocks and steel and challenge.

Last year, I wrote about university with a certain sense of vigor and naivete, but my recent experience have completely altered my perception of post secondary education. This sphere of academia is so much more than mere technical knowledge. It shows you the person that you are, and could be.

I’m not the one to lie, I struggled the whole time this school year. Every paper and exam took a toll on me. But for whatever struggle I’ve gone through, I’m glad to claim that I have truly ‘learned’. I learned not only by the book, but through experience.

There might have been times in which I’ve thought I can’t do any better, that my effort is at its best and is just not enough. I even found myself at the brink of a meltdown towards the end. But all that is behind me now, at the back of my mind like a school bag.

But now my load is lighter. And I’m packing up clothes and stories.

I’m homebound.

I Wear Blue

This is about a girl I’ve been meaning to write about..

She wears a red jacket. And her face blushes red from the cold wintry air. Nails are painted red, all chipped and fading. She was red in my eyes, and everything else that was red.

Red is a strong color. And it’s intimidating and distracting.

Like a laser and a feline.

And I’m a goddam scaredy cat.

…

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Book Club by Arkells

Failing Harder

Fail harder.

I saw this little adage above awhile back, and for some reason it just stuck to me. Maybe because I found it a little bit too pretentious. Like, seriously? Fail? Harder?

I couldn’t have failed any harder today. I got a godforsaken F in yet another English essay. And you’re telling me to fail harder? I got a D after I got a C, and now an F after that D. So i have been failing harder. Now what?!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you literal. I just don’t understand where you can possibly pull that ridiculous wanna-be-inspiring phrase from. Did you actually fail so hard you couldn’t even care anymore? Because I have, and it’s worse than being overtly upset.

You see, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if the act of learning didn’t come at the cost of time, money and effort. But in the academic world, it actually does. So I can’t comprehend what you desire to mean by ‘fail harder’. See, if you prefer to view it in an analogy; it will be like getting sucker punched in the gut and asking for seconds. For what?! So you can ascertain your poor excuse of abdominal strength? Please.

I hate failing.

But I don’t hate it as much as before it finally blows up in my face.

But thank you for opening my eyes to the lies I’ve been feeding myself. To say that I didn’t do my best is false because I have done my best, but only at the last minute. On those final moment where all you can do is lay your heart out. But in terms of putting in a 100% throughout the whole process. No. I haven’t. I only sprint hard at the last leg of a marathon and when I don’t finish, I justify my effort by that last dash of desperation.

No one needs to fail harder. Failure in any form or degree, is all the same.

And it hurts.

But you move on..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Howe Sounds by Said The Whale

Kiddo

A kid is an epitome of humanity.

It’s true. Kids are raw, blunt and unrestricted. They are not bound by responsibility but they require much care. Their sheer honesty is brutal and their thoughts unfiltered.They can hurt you severely, but they can love you completely.

They contain both good and bad. They go up and down. They never walk, they always run. Never sit still, but always buzzing around. They cry when they’re hurt and laugh so loud, they run out air.

The sense to make sense is nonsensical to a little one, but what really makes sense is nonsense. Because nonsense is really not complicated. And they like it.

People grow up. But to say we’re not like kids is childish.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Penelope Judd by Shai Linne feat. Epiphany Kidz

Letting Loose

Rest for the weary.

Warm beds. Video games. Good food. Basketball. TV. Major zone out.

And it feels so good.

Last week was an all out academic grind. Writing exams and papers all due on the same date. It was exhausting. A two time all-nighter was the hay-maker. I was completely out of it with my mind all over the place. But i managed to crawl out of that week alive. Thank God, thank God.

Having the whole week off is just a blessing. And I used the word ‘blessing’ instead of any other just to point out the its sheer significance. My mind and body was battered. And now to rest, and be relaxed. Damn, it’s a blessing for sure.

Because sometimes you just need to recuperate. Catch your breath then dive right back in..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Earl Grey Tea by Rizzle Kicks

Engineers

I was talking with a friend who is studying to be an engineer. He’s good with numbers and figures. Systematic in nature, and technical in skill. He asks me about my writing? In which I said, I hate it.

***

To hell with writing.

I can’t find the words to express my frustration, but life is being a thorough bitch lately. Pardon my rudeness. It’s just that there is no word fit enough to convey the weight of frustration I feel.

Notice I said that it’s life that’s the problem, but really it’s my goddam writing. Because Life and writing, they’re both the same. At this point in my life, it’s starting to mean almost synonymously. Because this is want I want to do, this is what I want to do..

But is it really about what we want to do, or how good we do something?

Because, I’m tired of all these arrow-like critiques raining down on my morale. It’s exhausting. And I’m exhausted. The process is cruel. No pity for the young and inexperience.They say you learn from your mistakes, but no. You learn that it’s a mistake. The solution though, doesn’t come readily with learning the mistake. You work on it. You take a guess..

And then another mistake.

Literature is a godforsaken blessing at the same note, a goddam curse. Deciphering the meaning in between the lines is like, groping in the dark. Reading cover to cover is a pill that knocks you out. These literary art forms require good eyes, and sharp minds. But damn, I might as well close my eyes and shut my cranium down. Literature is a waste of time.

But this is where I want to be, in the middle of words.

Damn it.

***

Why can’t I be an engineer?

I’m starting to think that numbers make more sense than words.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: —

B.

B is for, ‘Back‘. Back in Winnipeg.

B is for, ‘Blizzard‘. Winter atrocity; my cold welcome.

B is for, ‘Average‘. The mark of non-peculiar student.

B is for, ‘Better‘. A goal.

B is for, ‘Bloated‘. Because I ate too much, and gained a lot during my trip.

B is for, ‘Burger‘. In-N-Out, 4×4. Animal. The major suspect above.

B is for, ‘Basketball‘. Exercise.

B is for, ‘Booting‘. The problem I had with my laptop, that caused me to want a Macbook.

B is for, ‘Broke‘. Why I can’t get a Macbook.

B is for, ‘Blog‘. Writing about my trip and life as I know it.

B is for, ‘Ben Howard’. ‘Games in the Dark’.

B is for, ‘Bags‘. The weight under my eyes.

B is for, ‘Bye‘. Only for now.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Me Me My Friend Time by Ben Howard

The Release

 

I’m gonna write.

Because I woke up in the middle of night, wearing skinny jeans. And I thought to myself, that life is good.

But damn, I don’t deserve it.

During my absence, a lot of things have happened. Happened too fast, happened all together. It was hard to write, because I felt like I lost myself. I was everywhere and nowhere. Although it seems like a lame attempt to justify my lack of effort on this blog, it’s been really difficult to write. It’s been a really difficult time.

But now, I’m free. And it’s a good night to release these lingering thoughts.

***

University is the worst roller coaster ride. Damn. I came in this school year with prime optimism and for the life of me, I do not know where it’s gone in the the middle of it all. My academic pursuit for the semester has been awry. More like average. And I hate it with every ounce of my braincells. Average is not my potential, and I refuse to be ‘just’ okay. I want to excel, and I want it so bad. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

I learned that I can write, but I can’t write great. And that hurts me for some reason. Not because I thought I was great, but because I’m struggling. I’m actually learning how to write, like a baby learning how to talk. It’s funny because I thought I was somehow beyond adequate. Damn.

Amidst the slight academic turmoil, I’m thankful that I survived. I mean, it might not be much but making it through the first semester with some sense of sanity left must count for something. I like that I didn’t give up when I thought it’s near hopeless. Being able to push when things are rough makes me feel a little better about myself. I just hope, I come through next semester.

***

I miss my family a lot. Especially, this holiday season. It’s a family affair after all. Although being away from them made me grow in some ways, I can’t wait until I can live under the same roof with them again.

Christmas is always tough being at a distance from your loved ones, but it sure does help when they send you to a holiday trip. But then again, it’s all about family at this time of year so it’s hard not to be a bit glum.

I’m happy though, that I’m able to spend the holidays going about Las Vegas and California. The amount of fun I’ve had so far is ridiculous. Not to mention, the New year’s eve I’ll be spending at Disneyland!

***

I’m beyond blessed. And I don’t deserve it.

But I’ll write about it.

Every single time.

🙂

Summer Report Card: A-

Summer has come to a halt although the sun still gives glimpses of heavy light. Indeed, it’s been a great one. Just like the previous one and the one before that, so on and so forth. Because most of the best things in life are captured in great lighting hence, summer.

There’s a lot of things that have come to pass during this sunny season. Ample adventures with an amazing assembly of aces. But alliterations aside. Everything that happened, big or small, was grand all the same.

But it’s good I made myself a list. (The List Pt1, The List Pt.2) Because it’s too easy to get lost in all the summer hysteria, that you forget to add a little sense of purpose to the season. So all throughout the good times and bad, I jotted all of them down; making sure I was getting something accomplished.

So this is my Summer Report Card. With glorious red check marks, and bloody crimson crosses.

• Journalist dreams. Over the course of the summer with the helpful nagging of my folks, I have had the chance to think over the subjects and classes I want to get into, and ultimately know where I’m heading. Next thing I know I’m setting up to be a journalist. Steady breaths.

• Booker-D. I got my read on this summer. Never Let Me Go and It’s Kind of a Funny Story were thoroughly amusing. I’ve definitely developed a greater inclination for books and other literary forms. Great season for reading.

• Kitchen kid. I managed to learn a couple of classic Filipino recipes while I was at home. Also, I’ve mastered the skill of cracking eggs. Not to mention cooking up some wicked ‘omelette du fromage‘. Being able to cook for my family and friends was definitely pretty neat too.

• Guitar Semi-Hero. Was able to learn how to play a few songs including Coldplay’s Yellow. I had the most fun playing those tunes, I played for the nth number of time. Plus, I made my parents smile a bit.

• Fanboy. Watched a the whole Star Wars franchise, and it was a blast. Vintage Star Wars didn’t feel too heavy on the eyes. Instead I was really able to appreciate the film with the prologue punctuating the personality of Darth Vader. Geek points up! I’m onto getting into the Karate Kid Trilogy.

• Twitter-er. Made myself a Twitter account for all the one-liner thoughts, I have that materializes in a spur of time; been a regular chatterbox since then. Don’t forget to follow!

• Heavenly comeback. I made it a goal to get back to my spiritual foundation. And I guess, I could say I was able to do just that. Have the Gospel reverberate in myself. Hear it in the middle of the night when I need the most.

• Photo-blogger. I finally posted the first few self made photographs in this blog. Even though, I have tendencies to be camera shy, I made up for it in taking pictures of pretty places and whatnot. Clutch.

• Linguist. I’ve finally achieved greater strides in getting an authentic Filipino accent apart from when I’m on the court. And thanks to my cousins I’m starting to communicate better in Tagalog.

• Sky-high. Experiencing the tallest building that is Burj Khalifa was a great experience. Being a Dubai-an for years, I never thought I’d step foot in that viewing deck seeing the skyline in full effect. But even, I remember it so vividly.

A-minus. According to me, I would say I got a pretty decent grade. If I add the amount of fun and the level purpose that was invested in my holidays, it would all equal to one of the most productive summers ever. No bias. And until, the next summer breeze blows buy. I’ll keep this one in my pocket; smoke sunshine when it gets colder.

This one’s been special.

🙂

Bloopers:

• I tried to learn how to swim. And I almost drowned to death.
• Those solid set of abs were but a dream.
• I didn’t get thoroughly tanned while I was in Dubai. For real.
• Parent’s thought I sent them a drunk text. Lol.
• I forgot to get a US Visa when I was in Toronto. Now I have to spend some just to fly back.

A Sunny Evaluation Pt.1/ A Sunny Evaluation Pt.2/ A Sunny Evaluation Pt.3

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: The Drop by Lecrae