Monthly Archives: February 2013

Failing Harder

Fail harder.

I saw this little adage above awhile back, and for some reason it just stuck to me. Maybe because I found it a little bit too pretentious. Like, seriously? Fail? Harder?

I couldn’t have failed any harder today. I got a godforsaken F in yet another English essay. And you’re telling me to fail harder? I got a D after I got a C, and now an F after that D. So i have been failing harder. Now what?!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you literal. I just don’t understand where you can possibly pull that ridiculous wanna-be-inspiring phrase from. Did you actually fail so hard you couldn’t even care anymore? Because I have, and it’s worse than being overtly upset.

You see, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if the act of learning didn’t come at the cost of time, money and effort. But in the academic world, it actually does. So I can’t comprehend what you desire to mean by ‘fail harder’. See, if you prefer to view it in an analogy; it will be like getting sucker punched in the gut and asking for seconds. For what?! So you can ascertain your poor excuse of abdominal strength? Please.

I hate failing.

But I don’t hate it as much as before it finally blows up in my face.

But thank you for opening my eyes to the lies I’ve been feeding myself. To say that I didn’t do my best is false because I have done my best, but only at the last minute. On those final moment where all you can do is lay your heart out. But in terms of putting in a 100% throughout the whole process. No. I haven’t. I only sprint hard at the last leg of a marathon and when I don’t finish, I justify my effort by that last dash of desperation.

No one needs to fail harder. Failure in any form or degree, is all the same.

And it hurts.

But you move on..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Howe Sounds by Said The Whale

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Kiddo

A kid is an epitome of humanity.

It’s true. Kids are raw, blunt and unrestricted. They are not bound by responsibility but they require much care. Their sheer honesty is brutal and their thoughts unfiltered.They can hurt you severely, but they can love you completely.

They contain both good and bad. They go up and down. They never walk, they always run. Never sit still, but always buzzing around. They cry when they’re hurt and laugh so loud, they run out air.

The sense to make sense is nonsensical to a little one, but what really makes sense is nonsense. Because nonsense is really not complicated. And they like it.

People grow up. But to say we’re not like kids is childish.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Penelope Judd by Shai Linne feat. Epiphany Kidz

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Letting Loose

Rest for the weary.

Warm beds. Video games. Good food. Basketball. TV. Major zone out.

And it feels so good.

Last week was an all out academic grind. Writing exams and papers all due on the same date. It was exhausting. A two time all-nighter was the hay-maker. I was completely out of it with my mind all over the place. But i managed to crawl out of that week alive. Thank God, thank God.

Having the whole week off is just a blessing. And I used the word ‘blessing’ instead of any other just to point out the its sheer significance. My mind and body was battered. And now to rest, and be relaxed. Damn, it’s a blessing for sure.

Because sometimes you just need to recuperate. Catch your breath then dive right back in..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Earl Grey Tea by Rizzle Kicks

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Engineers

I was talking with a friend who is studying to be an engineer. He’s good with numbers and figures. Systematic in nature, and technical in skill. He asks me about my writing? In which I said, I hate it.

***

To hell with writing.

I can’t find the words to express my frustration, but life is being a thorough bitch lately. Pardon my rudeness. It’s just that there is no word fit enough to convey the weight of frustration I feel.

Notice I said that it’s life that’s the problem, but really it’s my goddam writing. Because Life and writing, they’re both the same. At this point in my life, it’s starting to mean almost synonymously. Because this is want I want to do, this is what I want to do..

But is it really about what we want to do, or how good we do something?

Because, I’m tired of all these arrow-like critiques raining down on my morale. It’s exhausting. And I’m exhausted. The process is cruel. No pity for the young and inexperience.They say you learn from your mistakes, but no. You learn that it’s a mistake. The solution though, doesn’t come readily with learning the mistake. You work on it. You take a guess..

And then another mistake.

Literature is a godforsaken blessing at the same note, a goddam curse. Deciphering the meaning in between the lines is like, groping in the dark. Reading cover to cover is a pill that knocks you out. These literary art forms require good eyes, and sharp minds. But damn, I might as well close my eyes and shut my cranium down. Literature is a waste of time.

But this is where I want to be, in the middle of words.

Damn it.

***

Why can’t I be an engineer?

I’m starting to think that numbers make more sense than words.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: —

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