Failing Harder

Fail harder.

I saw this little adage above awhile back, and for some reason it just stuck to me. Maybe because I found it a little bit too pretentious. Like, seriously? Fail? Harder?

I couldn’t have failed any harder today. I got a godforsaken F in yet another English essay. And you’re telling me to fail harder? I got a D after I got a C, and now an F after that D. So i have been failing harder. Now what?!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you literal. I just don’t understand where you can possibly pull that ridiculous wanna-be-inspiring phrase from. Did you actually fail so hard you couldn’t even care anymore? Because I have, and it’s worse than being overtly upset.

You see, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if the act of learning didn’t come at the cost of time, money and effort. But in the academic world, it actually does. So I can’t comprehend what you desire to mean by ‘fail harder’. See, if you prefer to view it in an analogy; it will be like getting sucker punched in the gut and asking for seconds. For what?! So you can ascertain your poor excuse of abdominal strength? Please.

I hate failing.

But I don’t hate it as much as before it finally blows up in my face.

But thank you for opening my eyes to the lies I’ve been feeding myself. To say that I didn’t do my best is false because I have done my best, but only at the last minute. On those final moment where all you can do is lay your heart out. But in terms of putting in a 100% throughout the whole process. No. I haven’t. I only sprint hard at the last leg of a marathon and when I don’t finish, I justify my effort by that last dash of desperation.

No one needs to fail harder. Failure in any form or degree, is all the same.

And it hurts.

But you move on..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Howe Sounds by Said The Whale

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Engineers

I was talking with a friend who is studying to be an engineer. He’s good with numbers and figures. Systematic in nature, and technical in skill. He asks me about my writing? In which I said, I hate it.

***

To hell with writing.

I can’t find the words to express my frustration, but life is being a thorough bitch lately. Pardon my rudeness. It’s just that there is no word fit enough to convey the weight of frustration I feel.

Notice I said that it’s life that’s the problem, but really it’s my goddam writing. Because Life and writing, they’re both the same. At this point in my life, it’s starting to mean almost synonymously. Because this is want I want to do, this is what I want to do..

But is it really about what we want to do, or how good we do something?

Because, I’m tired of all these arrow-like critiques raining down on my morale. It’s exhausting. And I’m exhausted. The process is cruel. No pity for the young and inexperience.They say you learn from your mistakes, but no. You learn that it’s a mistake. The solution though, doesn’t come readily with learning the mistake. You work on it. You take a guess..

And then another mistake.

Literature is a godforsaken blessing at the same note, a goddam curse. Deciphering the meaning in between the lines is like, groping in the dark. Reading cover to cover is a pill that knocks you out. These literary art forms require good eyes, and sharp minds. But damn, I might as well close my eyes and shut my cranium down. Literature is a waste of time.

But this is where I want to be, in the middle of words.

Damn it.

***

Why can’t I be an engineer?

I’m starting to think that numbers make more sense than words.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: —

“University Kid”

It’s been a while since university started..

Man, it’s already getting to me.

University is almost an extraordinary experience. Nothing like high school. Every individual that steps into this academic realm is a student, devoted to a particular set of arts. These are not mere kids tempering with notes and texts. But these are real people finding for some sense of purpose. Such sight is scholarly beauty.

This distinct atmosphere of learning is one that is vast and deep. And sometimes, it can be intimidating because when everybody’s fixated on looking for one’s self they don’t see anybody around. Invisible, well, at least that’s how I feel sometimes. But don’t get me wrong, I’m doing well in that area of circumstance. Although, coming out from hard timid shell goes out to be a real challenge. There are myriad different people out there, and it’s hard to speak up when your mind is running a relay.

Profound knowledge is expected to be found in every academy, no doubt. But apart from the lectures and lessons, a university gives a subtle taste of experience. From what is bitter to sweet, so we would know what fruit we yearn. And we plant it; invest time and effort into it; watering it until it bears fruit. Not as personal harvest but also, for society.

The fact that this scholastic paradigm requires you to think critically about various matters, opting you to reason for yourself as opposed to being taught what to say, I think this is prime education.

University of Winnipeg

So, what I’m really trying to say is, university is an opportunity. And, I’d be an utter fool to let it pass by.

Here’s to working hard and reaping what I sow.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: No Regret by Lecrae