Tag Archives: university

Running In Place // (About A ‘Disclosure’)

I have never really been the one to learn the hard way, and it’s not because I refuse to take risks.

No.

This is not about being bold, it’s about sheer blindness.

I wrote this awhile back…

What if I tell you that I don’t have any plans; that I only intend to work hard?

 

Will I still make it then?

I wrote this under the complete notion that if I work hard enough I would be able to attain anything– glory and success. I thought that it didn’t matter what I did as long as I put my heart and soul into it. After all, it is contemporary belief that hard work is the main catalyst to every success story. I was led to believe that what counts the most is your work ethic.  And all of these are true.

But the answer is NO.

The lack of goal setting have only rendered me utterly depleted. It’s like running for miles on a treadmill- not going anywhere. All the time and effort I had invested were almost all for nothing. It seems as if the idea of indirection proved to be more fatal than the act of misdirection. And I have only myself to blame.

Make plans and determine your goals. It’s the only way to make hard work count.

SOTM: Bourgeois by Phoenix

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I Wear Blue

This is about a girl I’ve been meaning to write about..

She wears a red jacket. And her face blushes red from the cold wintry air. Nails are painted red, all chipped and fading. She was red in my eyes, and everything else that was red.

Red is a strong color. And it’s intimidating and distracting.

Like a laser and a feline.

And I’m a goddam scaredy cat.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Book Club by Arkells

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Failing Harder

Fail harder.

I saw this little adage above awhile back, and for some reason it just stuck to me. Maybe because I found it a little bit too pretentious. Like, seriously? Fail? Harder?

I couldn’t have failed any harder today. I got a godforsaken F in yet another English essay. And you’re telling me to fail harder? I got a D after I got a C, and now an F after that D. So i have been failing harder. Now what?!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to take you literal. I just don’t understand where you can possibly pull that ridiculous wanna-be-inspiring phrase from. Did you actually fail so hard you couldn’t even care anymore? Because I have, and it’s worse than being overtly upset.

You see, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if the act of learning didn’t come at the cost of time, money and effort. But in the academic world, it actually does. So I can’t comprehend what you desire to mean by ‘fail harder’. See, if you prefer to view it in an analogy; it will be like getting sucker punched in the gut and asking for seconds. For what?! So you can ascertain your poor excuse of abdominal strength? Please.

I hate failing.

But I don’t hate it as much as before it finally blows up in my face.

But thank you for opening my eyes to the lies I’ve been feeding myself. To say that I didn’t do my best is false because I have done my best, but only at the last minute. On those final moment where all you can do is lay your heart out. But in terms of putting in a 100% throughout the whole process. No. I haven’t. I only sprint hard at the last leg of a marathon and when I don’t finish, I justify my effort by that last dash of desperation.

No one needs to fail harder. Failure in any form or degree, is all the same.

And it hurts.

But you move on..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Howe Sounds by Said The Whale

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Letting Loose

Rest for the weary.

Warm beds. Video games. Good food. Basketball. TV. Major zone out.

And it feels so good.

Last week was an all out academic grind. Writing exams and papers all due on the same date. It was exhausting. A two time all-nighter was the hay-maker. I was completely out of it with my mind all over the place. But i managed to crawl out of that week alive. Thank God, thank God.

Having the whole week off is just a blessing. And I used the word ‘blessing’ instead of any other just to point out the its sheer significance. My mind and body was battered. And now to rest, and be relaxed. Damn, it’s a blessing for sure.

Because sometimes you just need to recuperate. Catch your breath then dive right back in..

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Earl Grey Tea by Rizzle Kicks

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Engineers

I was talking with a friend who is studying to be an engineer. He’s good with numbers and figures. Systematic in nature, and technical in skill. He asks me about my writing? In which I said, I hate it.

***

To hell with writing.

I can’t find the words to express my frustration, but life is being a thorough bitch lately. Pardon my rudeness. It’s just that there is no word fit enough to convey the weight of frustration I feel.

Notice I said that it’s life that’s the problem, but really it’s my goddam writing. Because Life and writing, they’re both the same. At this point in my life, it’s starting to mean almost synonymously. Because this is want I want to do, this is what I want to do..

But is it really about what we want to do, or how good we do something?

Because, I’m tired of all these arrow-like critiques raining down on my morale. It’s exhausting. And I’m exhausted. The process is cruel. No pity for the young and inexperience.They say you learn from your mistakes, but no. You learn that it’s a mistake. The solution though, doesn’t come readily with learning the mistake. You work on it. You take a guess..

And then another mistake.

Literature is a godforsaken blessing at the same note, a goddam curse. Deciphering the meaning in between the lines is like, groping in the dark. Reading cover to cover is a pill that knocks you out. These literary art forms require good eyes, and sharp minds. But damn, I might as well close my eyes and shut my cranium down. Literature is a waste of time.

But this is where I want to be, in the middle of words.

Damn it.

***

Why can’t I be an engineer?

I’m starting to think that numbers make more sense than words.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: —

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B.

B is for, ‘Back‘. Back in Winnipeg.

B is for, ‘Blizzard‘. Winter atrocity; my cold welcome.

B is for, ‘Average‘. The mark of non-peculiar student.

B is for, ‘Better‘. A goal.

B is for, ‘Bloated‘. Because I ate too much, and gained a lot during my trip.

B is for, ‘Burger‘. In-N-Out, 4×4. Animal. The major suspect above.

B is for, ‘Basketball‘. Exercise.

B is for, ‘Booting‘. The problem I had with my laptop, that caused me to want a Macbook.

B is for, ‘Broke‘. Why I can’t get a Macbook.

B is for, ‘Blog‘. Writing about my trip and life as I know it.

B is for, ‘Ben Howard’. ‘Games in the Dark’.

B is for, ‘Bags‘. The weight under my eyes.

B is for, ‘Bye‘. Only for now.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Me Me My Friend Time by Ben Howard

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The Release

 

I’m gonna write.

Because I woke up in the middle of night, wearing skinny jeans. And I thought to myself, that life is good.

But damn, I don’t deserve it.

During my absence, a lot of things have happened. Happened too fast, happened all together. It was hard to write, because I felt like I lost myself. I was everywhere and nowhere. Although it seems like a lame attempt to justify my lack of effort on this blog, it’s been really difficult to write. It’s been a really difficult time.

But now, I’m free. And it’s a good night to release these lingering thoughts.

***

University is the worst roller coaster ride. Damn. I came in this school year with prime optimism and for the life of me, I do not know where it’s gone in the the middle of it all. My academic pursuit for the semester has been awry. More like average. And I hate it with every ounce of my braincells. Average is not my potential, and I refuse to be ‘just’ okay. I want to excel, and I want it so bad. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

I learned that I can write, but I can’t write great. And that hurts me for some reason. Not because I thought I was great, but because I’m struggling. I’m actually learning how to write, like a baby learning how to talk. It’s funny because I thought I was somehow beyond adequate. Damn.

Amidst the slight academic turmoil, I’m thankful that I survived. I mean, it might not be much but making it through the first semester with some sense of sanity left must count for something. I like that I didn’t give up when I thought it’s near hopeless. Being able to push when things are rough makes me feel a little better about myself. I just hope, I come through next semester.

***

I miss my family a lot. Especially, this holiday season. It’s a family affair after all. Although being away from them made me grow in some ways, I can’t wait until I can live under the same roof with them again.

Christmas is always tough being at a distance from your loved ones, but it sure does help when they send you to a holiday trip. But then again, it’s all about family at this time of year so it’s hard not to be a bit glum.

I’m happy though, that I’m able to spend the holidays going about Las Vegas and California. The amount of fun I’ve had so far is ridiculous. Not to mention, the New year’s eve I’ll be spending at Disneyland!

***

I’m beyond blessed. And I don’t deserve it.

But I’ll write about it.

Every single time.

🙂

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Frustration

Zone out.

Eat a hefty meal.

Take a nap.

Take a shower.

Take your time.

Shake off the frustration.

Now. You’re ready to work.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Take It Easy by Beautiful Eulogy

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Invisible Bicycle

Ever since university started I have been learning how to ride a bicycle. Falling down. Getting up. Slow and steady.

Balanced.

I haven’t had much time to spare some words in this rusty old blog. (It’s a 100 posts old!) It’s either all over my academia or lacking sleep. And it’s been quite difficult for me to recollect and put into literature whatever I have come across to, may it be a new experience or emotion. But whatever.

Every written word is a garden. It starts as a seed, and it blossoms its way through time. As a writer, I can’t manipulate the growth of my words. I can only wait for it. But when it reaches it’s point of ripeness and I don’t harvest it, it will rot. And for a writer, such is the struggle. It’s all about the timing.

My thoughts remained preserved even during my absence. But then again, I do not know for how long. So I will write until my mind is exhausted and my fingers are numb. Because as person who talks to a virtual wind, I have been silent for quite too long.

I have gathered different stories and silly little theories; found enlightenment in the lonely gutters of introspect. I have experienced moments of happiness but is constantly eluded by joy. And I can’t wait to take it all out of me again.

Make me.

Transparent.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: Real Talk by Bloc Party

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“University Kid”

It’s been a while since university started..

Man, it’s already getting to me.

University is almost an extraordinary experience. Nothing like high school. Every individual that steps into this academic realm is a student, devoted to a particular set of arts. These are not mere kids tempering with notes and texts. But these are real people finding for some sense of purpose. Such sight is scholarly beauty.

This distinct atmosphere of learning is one that is vast and deep. And sometimes, it can be intimidating because when everybody’s fixated on looking for one’s self they don’t see anybody around. Invisible, well, at least that’s how I feel sometimes. But don’t get me wrong, I’m doing well in that area of circumstance. Although, coming out from hard timid shell goes out to be a real challenge. There are myriad different people out there, and it’s hard to speak up when your mind is running a relay.

Profound knowledge is expected to be found in every academy, no doubt. But apart from the lectures and lessons, a university gives a subtle taste of experience. From what is bitter to sweet, so we would know what fruit we yearn. And we plant it; invest time and effort into it; watering it until it bears fruit. Not as personal harvest but also, for society.

The fact that this scholastic paradigm requires you to think critically about various matters, opting you to reason for yourself as opposed to being taught what to say, I think this is prime education.

University of Winnipeg

So, what I’m really trying to say is, university is an opportunity. And, I’d be an utter fool to let it pass by.

Here’s to working hard and reaping what I sow.

SONGOFTHEMOMENT: No Regret by Lecrae

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